TALK YOURSELF OUT OF FEAR AND INTO CONFIDENCE

When Emma arrived at the barn for her first lesson with me, she was beyond scared of horses. She was so terrified of them a huge part of her wanted to turn around and go home before we even got started. A handful of harrowing experiences had already taught her just how dangerous horses can be. Emma didn't need me painting a rosy picture for her. What she needed was for me to validate her concerns, and then provide her an arsenal of tools to help her take good care of herself. Doubting she has that ability is what caused her fear in the first place.

Fear is something everyone can relate to, even the seemingly fearless. Case in point, a phenomenal horseman I knew ages ago had a small barn cat he loved immensely. One cold winter morning, he started up his truck having no idea the cat had crawled into the warm engine during the night to sleep. Sadly, turning the key killed the little cat...and brought that brave, confident cowboy so much heartache he couldn't bring himself to even pet another cat for fear of falling in love with one again. Fear is fear, and we all embrace it out of self-preservation because we don't like pain...whether emotional or physical.

Let's face it, getting bitten and stepped on by horses hurts. Falling off horses hurts. Getting bucked off horses hurts even more. Emma's got good reason to fear horses because they can hurt her very easily. But, at ten years old, Emma has already figured out that what's going to hurt the most is denying herself the kind of life she wants to live. When I asked her why she chose to stay that first day despite being so scared, she said, "Because I love horses. They are my favorite animal and there's this side of me that just doesn't want to give up."

There's no worse feeling for a horse lover than that of being afraid of horses. If you're in that spot, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But honestly, that pit in your stomach is not meant to stay there permanently. Fear is simply a warning telling you to proceed with caution, but for heaven's sake, proceed. For your own happiness.

To find her happiness with horses, Emma's got to be able to hold her own among them. She is beginning to discover just how capable she is of doing that... of preventing horses from pushing her around and freaking her out. She is also learning how to prevent herself from freaking out horses. Horses don't tolerate dramatics from frightened riders, and instructors don't do students any favors not sharing that info from the get go.

No matter how frightened she feels, Emma knows it is one hundred percent on her to keep herself calm. Nobody else can do that for her. She's getting pretty darn good at talking herself out of fear and into confidence. Literally. You should hear her...

"I can keep myself calm. I can take deep breaths to keep myself calm. I can sing and laugh and say dumb, funny stuff to keep myself calm. Charlie is a well-trained horse but if I act like I'm scared I will freak him out. I will be fine. Nelly will be right by my side, and she will stay by my side until I feel more confident."

You should hear her after she's done something she was scared to do...

"That didn't kill me. It didn't even hurt me. I am perfectly fine. Charlie is perfectly fine. I did it. It was really scary, but I did it!" 

You should hear her when she is attempting something new...

"I can do this. I've already done lots of other stuff I was afraid to do and now I'm not afraid to do those things any more, and that feels really good. Soon I will not be afraid to do this either. Charlie is counting on me to keep myself calm and I can. I know I can!"

Last night, Emma tacked up Charlie, lead him into the arena, did some ground work with him, and then mounted and rode on her own (off the lunge line) at the walk and trot. 

Considering less than two months ago she was terrified to put a halter on him, the difference is astounding. Surely the main contributing factor is the conversations Emma has been having with herself. I'm delighted she's having them out loud because it is an incredibly powerful way for her to connect with her true self, that larger part of her that knows she is perfectly capable of becoming the horse woman she wants to be. Plus, it's enormous fun for me listening to this young rider squash, one by one, every single doubt she has about her ability to take care of herself. 

Fear is the only thing standing in the way of dreams, and it rears its ugly head anytime we doubt our abilities. If you are doubting yours, I hope Emma inspires you to start talking more positively to yourself...out loud, if needed. Sometimes that's what it takes to drown out the voice of doubt.

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STARTING FROM STILLNESS: This Changes Everything!

At the beginning of my (almost) daily yoga practice, I spend a few quiet moments sitting cross-legged on my mat.  I clear my head of any conscious thoughts by concentrating only my breathing. Yogi's call this a moment of stillness, and it was difficult for me to achieve or understand at first.  But the more I paid attention to my breath, the more I could begin to feel the way it moves my body. One day I started following that movement, allowing myself to sway gently back and forth as I drew in and released air. By "going with the flow" so to speak, I found myself coming into a state of such deep relaxation that I finally found a true moment of stillness in my mind. I was delighted, and what came next was even better. Having come to that place of stillness in my mind, it was suddenly a whole lot easier for me to move my body into downward dog positions and whatnot. Aha, finally the whole thing made sense.

The reason I bring this up is because, over the past several months, I've found that starting from stillness benefits me with horses too. I discovered this by accident when someone asked me to work with their ridiculously high-strung horse on a day I didn't feel like exerting much effort doing anything. Just being in the vicinity of the horse was wearing me out.

Now, normally, I allow nervous horses to move around as much as they seem to need, and I bring down their energy level gradually by getting them to do different things. But on this day, without even thinking about it, the second I took hold of the lunge line I gave it a quick jerk and said, "Whoa!" That halted the horse's feet for about 2 seconds. So I repeated the process a couple more times, and he finally planted his feet.

Then I just started moving away from the horse and his unwanted energy. If he attempted to move with me, I got after him and made him put his feet right back in place. I walked out about half the distance of the lunge line and just stood there. Except for making sure his feet stayed still, I didn't do anything but allow myself to feel calm despite the fact that the horse was frantically swinging his head from side to side.

Soon I began to sense a change. It felt like the horse was starting to think more about me and what I was doing, and less about any ghosts that might be trying to sneak up behind him. It was then that it occurred to me just how reasonable it was to ask him to stop moving his feet. I had unwittingly let him know that he and I were going to start from a moment of stillness. I was already in one of those moments myself...I just had to give him time to come into it with me. Horses always prefer to feel calm rather than nervous, so it didn't take him long to dump every bit of that negative energy he'd been carrying around.  

When he lowered his head and stood completely relaxed, I made my way leisurely back to him and spent some time just rubbing his neck, allowing the both of us to enjoy the moment. My own appreciation for it grew exponentially when I realized it took less than five minutes for that horse to go from high as a kite to completely calm, and I barely had to do a thing. Less than five freaking minutes!

Since that day, I've been starting from stillness every time I come into contact with an anxious or aggressive horse. How do they get that way in the first place? By being handled by folks who aren't completely comfortable handling some of their behaviors, that's how. If a horse spooks and freaks out its handler, the handler's negative nervous energy transfers right to the horse, causing it to spook a little more and so on. It's a vicious cycle. The reason it is easy for folks like me to break that cycle is because horses always do what's in their best interest. Since carrying around negative energy feels like crap, they are always willing to dump negative energy just as soon as someone lets them...a person who does not let any of their behaviors freak them out.

I've discovered that starting from stillness allows horses to dump any negative energy as soon as they meet me. It clears the air between us. It gets us both in a positive frame of mind (rather than just me) before I begin asking the horse to move its body in any way. And those few quiet moments make it sooooo much easier for horses to move their bodies the way I'd like for them to when I ask.

Sure, horses still present me with some pretty hefty challenges, but not nearly to the extent I'd come to expect.  Now, if a horse gets itself worked up about anything I ask it to do, I try to get it to halt as quickly as possible...and then I ask again from another moment of stillness. I feel like I am listening to horses much more closely than I had before. I am amazed at how much easier this has made my life, as well as the horses'.

Starting from stillness changes everything. I highly recommend you give it a try it, especially if you have not yet learned how to remain calm no matter what your horse does. That is a skill every rider needs, and this will give you plenty of time to practice. 

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PROCEED WITH CAUTION: Tips for Dealing With Fear Effectively

Horseback riding is a ton of fun until fear halts you in your tracks. I’ve learned from experience that fear is not a stop sign. It is a warning sign telling you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Too often we view fear as a weakness, something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. It feels negative so we learn to hide it, laugh it off or deny it. Yet, fear is an emotion… and our emotions are our inner guidance systems meant to steer us onto the paths that are right for us throughout our lifetimes. If you get a good feeling about something, you are headed in a direction that is right for you and vice versa. In our attempts to control our emotions, we tend to bury them rather than listening to them and allowing them to guide us as they are designed to do.

I encourage riders to listen to fear as the voice of reason. “Slow down. Go easy on yourself. Prepare yourself for the next step so you don’t get hurt.”  Granted, most riders never hear that voice until a horse does something that scares the crap out of them or until they actually get hurt. Then the voice becomes loud and clear. DEAFENINGLY, MADDENINGLY LOUD AND CLEAR…to the point that you want it just to shut up.  But if you heed its warning, your fear will stop screaming at you. “Slow down. Go easy on yourself.  Prepare yourself for the next step so you don’t get hurt.” What’s more reasonable than that?

Even if your fear has slowed you to a halt, do not get down on yourself about it. It is making you take the time you need to learn how to protect something that is very valuable to you – your body. It’s the only one you are going to get in this lifetime. Now that you are sensitive to it, your fear is and will continue to help you protect your body around horses for the rest of your life. Bless it and be grateful for it.

And then move on knowing your work is not about overcoming fear. It is about...

1. learning what it takes to get horses to behave calmly, and
2. developing the ability to focus and remain calm no matter what so you can help your horse focus on you and remain calm no matter what.

To get horses to behave calmly, you must become sensitive to their fear and provide the leadership needed to prevent them from freaking out.  Oddly, it is normal for people to learn how to ride without learning anything about this... so most riders have no idea they are missing a pretty vital chunk of information.  First step first - educate yourself.  Buy a book on the subject of leadership and read it.  I would love it if you bought my book, but if it doesn't suit your fancy, buy someone else's...anyone else's.

Once you start learning what horses need from you as a leader, a light will click on. Suddenly a whole lot of things will start to make sense. You will begin to understand exactly why you are in the predicament of struggling with fear. But you will also learn what you need to do differently to get your horse to behave calmly for you.

Learning and practicing relaxation techniques will help you develop the ability to focus and remain calm at all times. To get really good at it with your horse, learn some basic leading and lunging exercises and then get out of the habit of working with your horse only when conditions are ideal.

You must have distractions to practice focusing through them. Is the wind howling? Are roofers hammering a new roof on the barn? Is a lawnmower or tractor running? That’s when you need to be working with your horse.  Or create your own distractions with tarps, umbrellas, etc. Bomb-proofing exercises (working with your horse amid distractions) are perfect for helping you learn how to focus and remain calm no matter what.

Develop good leadership skills on the ground, apply them in the saddle and your fear will settle down. It will feel less like a ball and chain and more like sweet, dependable intuition, which prior to now you weren’t even aware you were lacking. In my opinion, you can’t become a great horseperson without it. A great rider, sure…but not a great horseperson. 

Think about it. Lots of fearless riders stay glued to the saddle while horses fearfully buck, bolt and rear beneath them. To me, a great horseperson is someone who tries hard not to put a horse in that position. She will spend time on the ground building trust and cooperation with her horse, and won’t climb on its back until she is fairly darn certain she can easily and quickly calm the animal down if it should get frightened or confused.  Let’s face it, we must have some sort of sensitivity to either our own fear or our horse’s to be willing to do that.

So go on…proceed with caution. When you look back, you will see how this struggle with fear caused you to expand in ways beneficial to both you and your horse.

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