TALK YOURSELF OUT OF FEAR AND INTO CONFIDENCE

When Emma arrived at the barn for her first lesson with me, she was beyond scared of horses. She was so terrified of them a huge part of her wanted to turn around and go home before we even got started. A handful of harrowing experiences had already taught her just how dangerous horses can be. Emma didn't need me painting a rosy picture for her. What she needed was for me to validate her concerns, and then provide her an arsenal of tools to help her take good care of herself. Doubting she has that ability is what caused her fear in the first place.

Fear is something everyone can relate to, even the seemingly fearless. Case in point, a phenomenal horseman I knew ages ago had a small barn cat he loved immensely. One cold winter morning, he started up his truck having no idea the cat had crawled into the warm engine during the night to sleep. Sadly, turning the key killed the little cat...and brought that brave, confident cowboy so much heartache he couldn't bring himself to even pet another cat for fear of falling in love with one again. Fear is fear, and we all embrace it out of self-preservation because we don't like pain...whether emotional or physical.

Let's face it, getting bitten and stepped on by horses hurts. Falling off horses hurts. Getting bucked off horses hurts even more. Emma's got good reason to fear horses because they can hurt her very easily. But, at ten years old, Emma has already figured out that what's going to hurt the most is denying herself the kind of life she wants to live. When I asked her why she chose to stay that first day despite being so scared, she said, "Because I love horses. They are my favorite animal and there's this side of me that just doesn't want to give up."

There's no worse feeling for a horse lover than that of being afraid of horses. If you're in that spot, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But honestly, that pit in your stomach is not meant to stay there permanently. Fear is simply a warning telling you to proceed with caution, but for heaven's sake, proceed. For your own happiness.

To find her happiness with horses, Emma's got to be able to hold her own among them. She is beginning to discover just how capable she is of doing that... of preventing horses from pushing her around and freaking her out. She is also learning how to prevent herself from freaking out horses. Horses don't tolerate dramatics from frightened riders, and instructors don't do students any favors not sharing that info from the get go.

No matter how frightened she feels, Emma knows it is one hundred percent on her to keep herself calm. Nobody else can do that for her. She's getting pretty darn good at talking herself out of fear and into confidence. Literally. You should hear her...

"I can keep myself calm. I can take deep breaths to keep myself calm. I can sing and laugh and say dumb, funny stuff to keep myself calm. Charlie is a well-trained horse but if I act like I'm scared I will freak him out. I will be fine. Nelly will be right by my side, and she will stay by my side until I feel more confident."

You should hear her after she's done something she was scared to do...

"That didn't kill me. It didn't even hurt me. I am perfectly fine. Charlie is perfectly fine. I did it. It was really scary, but I did it!" 

You should hear her when she is attempting something new...

"I can do this. I've already done lots of other stuff I was afraid to do and now I'm not afraid to do those things any more, and that feels really good. Soon I will not be afraid to do this either. Charlie is counting on me to keep myself calm and I can. I know I can!"

Last night, Emma tacked up Charlie, lead him into the arena, did some ground work with him, and then mounted and rode on her own (off the lunge line) at the walk and trot. 

Considering less than two months ago she was terrified to put a halter on him, the difference is astounding. Surely the main contributing factor is the conversations Emma has been having with herself. I'm delighted she's having them out loud because it is an incredibly powerful way for her to connect with her true self, that larger part of her that knows she is perfectly capable of becoming the horse woman she wants to be. Plus, it's enormous fun for me listening to this young rider squash, one by one, every single doubt she has about her ability to take care of herself. 

Fear is the only thing standing in the way of dreams, and it rears its ugly head anytime we doubt our abilities. If you are doubting yours, I hope Emma inspires you to start talking more positively to yourself...out loud, if needed. Sometimes that's what it takes to drown out the voice of doubt.

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