SEEING HUMANS THROUGH HORSES' EYES: It's a Life Changer!

In a lunging session a few weeks ago, one of my students was allowing her horse to crowd her space. I pointed out the issue but before she could get it resolved, the mare wheeled around and kicked her smack dab in the ribs. Turns out her coat absorbed pretty much the entire impact (shout out to Carhartt!), but it was a scary scene for a few minutes. Since her mom and sister were there, it was a frightening family experience, permeated by shock, fear, panic, doubt, worry... you name it. Later on that evening, it struck me that the one awful emotion none of them felt was anger toward the horse. I found that heartwarming, quite normal, and very interesting. If we can let animals off the hook that easily, why not each other?

Come on, I've seen horses bite, step on, and drag folks around without anyone getting offended. Yet people just have to look at each other the wrong way for feelings to get hurt... and drama, anger, disappointment, resentment, blah, blah, blah to ensue. When it ensues in barns, it sucks the fun right out of the places we go to primarily to have fun. Why do we do that to ourselves?

I was pondering that question when I happened upon a quote that read, "The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you." Well, there's a clue. Surely that very mindset gets us looking for flaws and mistakes, which gets us thinking we need to fix them. For what purpose? To be better people? Who's to say we're not all perfectly fine just as we are at any given moment? At every given moment?

When I'm working with horses, I can tell they know this about themselves. They never look for my approval or disapproval. In fact, they make it pretty clear that my opinion of them means diddly squat to them. I never see horses trying to be better horses. I see us trying to get them to do things in a better way, yet those who have the most success carry the belief that the horse are perfectly fine as is every step along the way.

I can tell horses know we are, too. While horses constantly challenge us to get better at what we're doing, they never offer approval or disapproval of any of us personally no matter what we're doing. It wouldn't occur to them to do so because they are too in tune with who they are. They are too approving of themselves to be disapproving of us. No wonder it's so easy for us to let them off the hook. They do the same for us all the time, which is what makes being around them quite pleasant.

In the interest of living a joyful life, I'm following their lead on this one. I have to admit that, to me, the only thing that's worse than feeling offended by other humans is the feeling that I am offensive to others for some reason. And we humans come up with plenty of reasons... an infinite, exhausting, never-ending number of reasons.

There's no getting to the bottom of that bottomless pit, although there is humor in attempting it. On the same day I found that first quote, I saw another that read, "Don't be an asshole to me because then I'll have to be an asshole to you, and I'm better at being an asshole than you are." I'm not going to lie, it made me laugh.

Still, I can't help but wonder who dreams of growing up to become an asshole? Nobody, that's who...and yet we all somehow seem to meet our fair share. And then we sort of have to become assholes to stick up for ourselves, or we have to become the "bigger person." What does that even mean? That we're better than somebody else? Seems like thinking that would make us the biggest assholes of all...at least until somebody who's better at it comes along. This is the maniacal merry-go-round that keeps on spinning, leaving the people on board feeling underwhelmed with...well, the people on board.

You can't expect anybody on that ride to save you, but you can jump off to save yourself. I feel like horses pushed me off that carousel, and I couldn't be more grateful. The way they see themselves has me looking at myself and other humans as perfectly fine as is all the time. Knowing I have nothing to fix, it's so easy to let people off the hook... and so freeing I don't even care if anyone returns the favor.

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SHOW SEASON PRIMER: Let the Fun Begin!

Stressed out, worried or nervous about an upcoming horse show? If so, you might be missing the whole point of going. Riding is a sport. Take it too seriously and you'll deprive yourself of the best part of participating in any sport - the fun! “But, I’ve spent so much money on training and lessons,” you might protest.  “I must take it very seriously!”

No, honestly, you don’t. “But, I’ve worked so hard and spent so many hours, days, months practicing. If I don’t win, it will all have been for naught.”

Mmm, no it won’t. “But, but, but…”

Stop! There are no buts. Get a grip on yourself. You got into riding in the first place for the fun of it. Keeping your eye on the prize means knowing that’s what the prize is – the fun. Everything else is just icing on the cake. If you have your doubts, read the USEF's Sportsman's Charter. Read it until it becomes personal because having fun is a requirement for living a happy life. Here it is...with some of my own thoughts about it:

That sport is something done for the fun of doing it and that it ceases to be sport when it becomes a business only, something done for what there is in it;

See, it’s right there in writing, "...something done for the fun of doing it.” Make

it about anything else (ribbons, fame, fortune, etc.) and soon you’ll start 

wondering why it’s not the blast it used to be. 

That amateurism is something of the heart and spirit - not a matter of exact technical qualifications;

Surely this speaks to idea that masters become masters by remaining eager and

passionate about their sport… by embracing, with childlike enthusiasm,

the notion that there is always opportunity for expansion. 

That good manners of sport are fundamentally important; That the code must be strictly upheld;

Oh, hell yes! Go to shows with the belief that everyone shares equal love for horses

plus the discipline to keep negative comments to yourself, and you will 

neither offend nor be offended.  We truly are all in this together.

That the whole structure of sport is not only preserved from the absurdity of undue importance, but is justified by a kind of romance which animates it, and by the positive virtues of courage, patience, good temper, and unselfishness which are demanded by the code;

I want to hug the genius who strung together the words “the absurdity of undue importance!” This might be the most useful phrase in the history of phrases.

That the exploitation of sport for profit alone kills the spirit and retains only the husk and semblance of the thing;

Kills the spirit... kills it dead. Blah.

That the qualities of frankness, courage, and sincerity which mark the good sportsman in private life shall mark the discussions of his interests at a competition.

Good sportsmanship is habit, rather than something dusted off at show time.

I don’t believe anyone intentionally sets out to be a big drag in life, but lots of people wind up becoming boring, grumpy, uptight fuddy-duddies by default because they forget how to have fun for the sake of having fun. So, if you must pressure yourself about an upcoming horse show, pressure yourself to be fun and to have fun. Plan on it!

Plan to cram in a last minute lesson only if you feel ecstatic about the idea. If not, plan to pamper yourself with some chill out time instead, and some positive self-talk. Plan to breathe deep and stay calm, for your horse’s sake as well as your own. Plan to do your best and be proud of yourself. Plan to laugh off your mistakes by learning from them. Plan to lend a hand if needed. Plan to make a friend by having at least one conversation with a rider you’ve not met before. Plan to be gracious to the show staff because chances are they are volunteers.  Plan to cheer for others with gusto…put your whole heart into it!

When the show is over and you’re lying in bed that night, overwhelmed with appreciation and joy for the day and the experience you created… no doubt you’ll drift off to sleep feeling a sense of happiness beyond anything you could have planned.

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